Seven years ago I suffered an incredible loss. It devastated me, my husband, my family and everyone else who knew or loved me. I was unable to cope and had to seek counseling as well as prescription medicine for the depression and grief. As the years have gone by the pain has lessened. It's never gone completely but it's a part of my life and a part of me - and it's always there. It's a fact of me...a fact just like the color of my hair, the color of my eyes, and my birthdate.
It just IS. God does a wonderful thing to help us cope with unimaginable pain in our lives....he grants us a sort of anesthetic that allows us to get up everyday and go about our daily motions: working, taking care of our families, cooking, cleaning, getting gas.....we are granted an eventual numbing injection that enables us to accept reality for what it is. At least that's how I've always perceived it.
The last time I felt overwhelmed by my grief and sadness was in May of 2006. It was May the third actually....the 13th birthday of the daughter that I haven't held in my arms since February of 2003. I was driving and I had to pull over to get myself together because I could no longer see the road through my tears.
I am 3 weeks out from my WLS today. And for the last 3 days I have been plagued with those old familiar feelings of pain and sadness. I have dreamt of my two lost children for the last 3 nights in a row. This morning I woke up feeling so lost, so sad and so heartbroken. By noon I was crying uncontrollably and the ache in my soul was profound. I called my husband and he comforted me. I called my best friend and she asked me the question that is the reason for this blog: "Why do you think you are suddenly feeling so much grief over this right now - do you think it's related to your surgery?" I said no, there's no relation at all. It's probably because it's Christmastime and I have been getting the decorations out, seeing the "baby's first Christmas" ornaments, the handmade decorations, the photos with Santa, etc....
But now, hours later, I have suddenly realized that YES, there is a link!! It's so obvious that I can't believe I didn't realize it right away. My drug of choice is no longer available to me. I am no longer able to drown my pain by stuffing myself with junk. The "numb" is wearing off and I am experiencing the ache that still exists seven years after losing two of my children. What I am feeling right now is what has always been inside of me. It is the reality of my loss.
I am sure the next few days will continue to be difficult for me but I also know that God will see me through. I still believe that He will hold me and cry with me and love me through this....and then He will again offer me a small respite from the ache. But I also know that this is a sign of the healing that is happening not just in my body, but in my life as well.
And although I am sad, I am also grateful. Grateful to be able to cry for my babies and to be able to feel the immense love I will always for them.
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