Bullseye! (As in that famous red one!)

Yesterday I did something amazing. Although for 'normal' sized people it's just an ordinary occurrence, for me it was monumental. I tried on some clothes in the dressing room....and they fit....and I wasn't at Lane Bryant, or The Avenue, or any of those 'fat girl' stores. I was at TARGET!!!! I haven't been able to buy a single item of clothing for myself at Target in about 7 years. Now sure, of course I had to buy from the plus size section, but before my surgery and weight loss there wasn't anything plus size enough to hold my enormous self. But now.....WOO HOOOO!!!! I bought myself a red sweater. I was so ecstatic that I took a picture. So here I am in the Target dressing room, pointing to the Target sign, wearing said red sweater.

I'm down 62 pounds and life is fabulous!!!! Best wishes for a great 2010 to all of my family, friends and subscribers.

xoxo,

Therese

Phase 3 Food Diary!

Today I was 'promoted' to the next food phase. Wooo hooo! Here's what I ate today:

AM: half of my usual coffee protein shake

Meal 1: packet of original (no sugar) cream of wheat made with milk, add butter spray and splenda

Meal 2: packet of ready made tuna salad (yum!)

Meal 3: two shrimp, half of a cheese stick and two saltine crackers. Made some mango fire island sauce for the shrimp....yum!

Can't wait to have peanut butter tomorrow!

My total caloric intake for the day: 524

Fat grams: 12.2

Carbs: 42

Protein: 57 (three grams short of my daily minimum)

44 pounds lost so far. :) Life is good.

On the 10th Day of Weigh-In My True Love Gave to Me.....

Alrighty. As I stated in my vlog today I'm going to list my last ten weigh-ins. I could go farther back but I thought 10 days give you a picture of my stall and the craziness of the scale.

11/27 - 341

11/28 - 340

11/29 - 339

11/30 - 340 (up a stinkin' pound!)

12/01 - 341 (WTH?)

12/02 - 339

12/03 - 338

12/04 - 339 (seriously?)

12/05 - 337 (better, thank you very much)

12/06 - 336

So a five pound loss in 10 days. It could be better - but damn, it could always be worse!

Yo quiero Taco Bell

So tonight I had Taco Bell. I just couldn't bring myself to eat yet another egg or another bite of cottage cheese. I'm allowed the refried beans from TB as long as I order them without cheese. I enjoyed them immensely -- perhaps too immensely, which is why I'm writing about them in this blog.

Taco Bell was my fast food binge location of choice. I don't think there's anything on the menu that didn't make me glow with joy and happiness. (Or burst out of my jeans.) I have enjoyed almost everything I've been allowed to eat since surgery. But today I enjoyed my TB just a little bit too much. While putting those baby spoon sized bites into my mouth I found myself feeling sad that I couldn't have a Cheesy Gordita Crunch. Or a Bean Burrito. Or a Nachos Bellgrande. Or just a plain old Taco.

Food thoughts.....racing, crazy, obsessive food thoughts. I didn't like the feeling.

I'm not sure I'll have TB again. Or at least not for awhile. This journey is a mental road trip, not just a physical melting of pounds and I don't think I'm quite ready to step into the world of Taco Bell. Maybe I'll never be. But I do know that I don't want to put myself in situations where I want to overeat or I feel deprived.

Lesson learned.

Food Diary

What I ate today:

AM: Coffee protein shake (delicious!)

Meal 1: 1/2 cup of lowfat cottage cheese

Meal 2: two scrambled eggs

PM: Pom Raz Sangria protein drink

TGIF!

A Case of "Pouch Grouch"

My pouch is very angry today. It started last night after dinner and it continued for most of today, although this evening it seems to have settled down a bit. All day today whenever I take a drink I feel like I just...can't....quite....seem....to....swallow....it....all....the...way. It feels stuck. Then around 4pm I sat down to eat my half cup of cottage cheese and wowzers. My pouch was not happy. After three very well chewed, baby spoon sized bites I felt like I had a gigantic rock lodged at the very bottom of my throat. Right about the time I started to get concerned, it seemed to let go and I felt better. I waited ten minutes and then all seemed fine. But then about an hour later I still had the same sensation when I tried to drink water. It didn't complain when I ate my eggs at dinner but I'm absolutely done eating for the day and I'm not even going to have my protein shake before bed. No sense in pissing off the pouch. It was really funky....and I'm hoping that it's gotten rid of it's attitude by tomorrow. Cause I don't want to spend another work day at the surgeon's office. Ugh.

I wanted to update my vlog today but the kids were nuts and I just didn't have enough quiet time to myself. Maybe tomorrow. Yesterday marked my 3 weeks out date. My weight has been s.t.a.l.l.e.d. and I've lost about 6 pounds in the last two weeks but I'm feeling much better about that today. The totally awesome peeps over on the BTV forum made me realize that it's normal and to quote the brilliant Lynnda, "You can't fail as long as you follow the rules." Which I'm doing - so hey, the fat can't hold on forever.

I'm doing better emotionally today as well. After yesterday's good cry and then blogging about everything I was bad-dream free last night. Yay!

And lastly, I wanted to share the fabulous coffee protein shake I've been having every morning. It's based on Amelia's (massagegoddess) but since I didn't care for the Hazelnut flavoring I made it my own. It's simple and yet delightfully wonderful! It doesn't even require a blender. I just shake it up in one of my Blender Bottles and wala - a tasty treat!

10 oz of Skim Milk

1 packet of Nescafe Dark Roast Instant Coffee

1 TBSP of sugar free french vanilla creamer

1 scoop of Vanilla protein powder (I use the GNC Whey because that's what's in the house)

Shake, shake, shake....and you have, what to me tastes just like a Starbucks Vanilla Frappucino from the cold case at the grocery store! Heaven in a Blender Bottle.

Hope to 'see' you all this weekend in my next Vlog!

xoxo

Therese

Overcome by Sadness

Seven years ago I suffered an incredible loss. It devastated me, my husband, my family and everyone else who knew or loved me. I was unable to cope and had to seek counseling as well as prescription medicine for the depression and grief. As the years have gone by the pain has lessened. It's never gone completely but it's a part of my life and a part of me - and it's always there. It's a fact of me...a fact just like the color of my hair, the color of my eyes, and my birthdate. It just IS. God does a wonderful thing to help us cope with unimaginable pain in our lives....he grants us a sort of anesthetic that allows us to get up everyday and go about our daily motions: working, taking care of our families, cooking, cleaning, getting gas.....we are granted an eventual numbing injection that enables us to accept reality for what it is. At least that's how I've always perceived it.

The last time I felt overwhelmed by my grief and sadness was in May of 2006. It was May the third actually....the 13th birthday of the daughter that I haven't held in my arms since February of 2003. I was driving and I had to pull over to get myself together because I could no longer see the road through my tears.

I am 3 weeks out from my WLS today. And for the last 3 days I have been plagued with those old familiar feelings of pain and sadness. I have dreamt of my two lost children for the last 3 nights in a row. This morning I woke up feeling so lost, so sad and so heartbroken. By noon I was crying uncontrollably and the ache in my soul was profound. I called my husband and he comforted me. I called my best friend and she asked me the question that is the reason for this blog: "Why do you think you are suddenly feeling so much grief over this right now - do you think it's related to your surgery?" I said no, there's no relation at all. It's probably because it's Christmastime and I have been getting the decorations out, seeing the "baby's first Christmas" ornaments, the handmade decorations, the photos with Santa, etc....

But now, hours later, I have suddenly realized that YES, there is a link!! It's so obvious that I can't believe I didn't realize it right away. My drug of choice is no longer available to me. I am no longer able to drown my pain by stuffing myself with junk. The "numb" is wearing off and I am experiencing the ache that still exists seven years after losing two of my children. What I am feeling right now is what has always been inside of me. It is the reality of my loss.

I am sure the next few days will continue to be difficult for me but I also know that God will see me through. I still believe that He will hold me and cry with me and love me through this....and then He will again offer me a small respite from the ache. But I also know that this is a sign of the healing that is happening not just in my body, but in my life as well.

And although I am sad, I am also grateful. Grateful to be able to cry for my babies and to be able to feel the immense love I will always for them.

Mind Games

This is a post I made today on one of my WLS message boards. I thought I'd share it here....

This Wednesday (the 2nd of Dec) will be my 3 week surgiversary. I have lost 39 pounds to date, but 23 of those were lost pre-surgery. I lost 11 pounds in the first week - but in the last 12 days I've only lost 5 pounds. I keep hearing that everyone stalls so I'm trying to relax but this just seems like a really long time to go with only losing 5 pounds, especially since "you never lose like you do that first year!" etc..... I'm sure I'm over-reacting, so please reassure me! I started at 379 and I'm grateful to be at 340....but I'm getting worried and frustrated about the rate of loss.

My other concern is the amount of food I eat. Two weeks ago when I first cleared for pureed and soft foods I could barely eat 1oz of food, and I was supposed to work up to 4oz at a meal. (half a cup) I am now able to eat right at one half cup....but when I portion out that much, it seems like a lot. I know in my head that this is what I'm supposed to be having, but I feel like I should be still having these tiny 1 or 2 oz servings. Tonight for dinner I had 1 egg and 3oz of cottage cheese. Even my husband remarked jokingly that it looked like I could "feed a bariatric family of four" with the food on my plate. I guess I'm worried about the size of my pouch - is it too big? Is it stretched out? Did I do something wrong to enlarge it? Also, since my surgery I have never once been sick from anything I've eaten. I hear others talk about how they couldn't get anything down, etc.... and I feel like maybe there's something wrong with me because nothing has made me sick. Yes, I am following all of the pouch rules and I haven't eaten anything outside of my surgeon's perimeters. But still, I know other people do and yet they still get sick.

I track my food daily using OH's Health Tracker and I consume an average of about 600 calories per day right now. Is that too much???

Help

Meet Pocahontas

So forget about the last entry. I ended up using the Health Tracker tool that is already built into Obesity Help's website. Since I'm already registered there I opted to track my weight, food and exercise there. It's really handy.

In my latest video (1 Week Post-Op) I showed off my snazzy new medical id bracelet. My style is called "Pocahontas" and here is a close up picture:

For those interested you can get your very own or just peruse the catalog:

Click here to visit Lauren's Hope

I have also taken a new pic that I'll be posting here soon. It's my 33 pounds lost picture. You can't tell yet of course, but I still thought it would be a good idea to take a pic now and then anyways.

Until next time,

xoxo

Weight Tracking Online

Not sure how this will pan out, but I'm going to try using it!

http://www.weightchart.com/member.aspx?u=TheDivineMissT

A Day in the Life

Wanna know exactly what my day is like on the liquid pre-op diet? Inquiring minds are bursting to know, right?? Well look no further because listed below you'll get all the gory details! Come on...you know you wanna put down that burger and pick up a protein shake! haha!

Here is what I've had today, Monday, November 2nd:

Breakfast - 11oz Strawberry EAS AdvantEDGE Shake (nasty!)

Bariatric Advantage Mixed Berry chewable multivitamin

550mg Calcium Citrate pill

11:45am - 11oz Vanilla EAS AdvantEDGE Shake (yuck!)

Iron Supplement with Vitamin C

1:00pm - 16oz chicken broth, 1 serving of sugar free lime J-ELLO

32oz Powerade Zero Mixed Berry Drink

500mg Calcium Citrate Lemon Zest Chew

3:30pm - 4oz Banana flavored Chike protein drink (not horrible)

Iron Supplement with Vitamin C

6:40pm - 16oz of milk with Peanut Butter Chocolate Whey Protein added (yum!)

8oz of chicken broth and 8oz of vegetable broth

Iron supplement with Vitamin C

8:30pm - 11oz Chocolate EAS AdvantEDGE Shake (better than vanilla or strawberry)

Bariatric Advantage Mixed Berry chewable multivitamin

In addition I've had at least 64 oz of water or non-caffeine clear fluids such as Crystal Light or ice chips....

Okay, raise your hands --- who's jealous???? LOL

Update on Katie (ktnoodle on YouTube)

I won't have time to make another video before I have to get my kids ready and out the door for Halloween, but I wanted to at least let everyone know how Katie (ktnoodle) is doing.

She called this morning (yay! Surprise!) and although she sounded tired and her voice was scratchy she really did sound GREAT. She was in good spirits and seemed happy. She said, "I'm not going to lie, yesterday was pretty bad but today is much better." I guess she was in a lot of pain yesterday and her first walk was pretty hard but she says that every time she goes on a walk she feels better and better. Things are looking good and the doctor said that as long as she continues to do well she'll be released in the morning (Sunday.) She also said that she did in fact make another video the morning of her surgery but she didn't have a chance to upload it before she had to leave. I'm sure we'll get to see it once she gets home and settled.

I'm SO excited and happy for you Katie! Get well soon! We're all rooting for you!

xoxo

Therese

For real this time...I mean it!

Alrighty. A few days ago I posted that I was in the middle of uploading a new video. Yes well, that didn't go so well. I had made a new video but I tried for two days to upload it and finally decided to just make a new one with the digi camera instead of the webcam. The webcam and I are just not getting along. Soooo, until I can figure out how to fix what's wrong, I'm sticking to the video feature on my camera.

I made a new video tonight and it's uploading now. No really, it is. *wink* LOL

Tonight we took the kids to a nearby nature preserve for a free event where there was a nighttime flashlight hike and some nocturnal animals from the zoo. It was a lot of fun. I mention this because it's not often that we do things like this. These are the kinds of things I long to do but am generally too tired and in too much pain to do things like HIKE for goodness sakes. Me, HIKE?? No way. But today I decided that I need to start living now and stop waiting. Yes, it was hard for me to trudge around all evening....sweaty and yucky, feet

hurting, back hurting, sweating to death. But it was worth it. These are the kinds of things I want to do more of....and I can't wait. It was a lot of fun. We took some pics and I'm going to share a few now.

Me and my husband with our kids and then just me and the kids:

Twelve days until my pre-op class! Yipppeeeee!!!

xoxo

Therese

New Video Going Up Tonight

I made a new video tonight. It's dark because the lighting in my living room sucks. And I haven't quite figured out how to make my words and my mouth match up on the screen, but if you pretend you're watching a really crap Japanese horror movie it's not so bad. YouTube says it's going to take 5 hours to upload so obviously I'm going to bed. Note to self: Figure out how to use the compression feature.

Much love and hugs to Liz, my super wonderful BFF and Bobbi, my top secret famous person friend who will never reveal her true identity to anyone except me. (Hi Madonna! LOL) Thanks for listening and for being my pre-release screeners. I love you both!

xoxo

Therese

My First Entry

Hello world! This will be the sister blog to my video blog on YouTube. I'm not sure how well I'll be able to keep up with both but I'll give it my best shot. Much thanks to Bobbi for suggesting that I do this and to the YouTube user 'massagegoddess' for making her own video journal which inspired me to make mine.

My name is Therese and I'm a 34 year old wife and mother. I've been overweight my whole life and for the past several years I've been trying to get insurance approval for weight loss surgery (WLS.) Our old plan strictly excluded WLS but when my husband started a new job in June of 2009 I was overjoyed to discover that the surgery is a covered benefit under our new health insurance. I began completing my required packet in July, submitted it to the insurance company on September 21st and had my approval two days later, on September 23rd!! I was over the moon! My current (and my heaviest) weight is 379 pounds and I'm 5'8. I know that WLS will only help with the fat on my body, not the fat between my ears. WLS is not the end all cure and I know that I have a hard road ahead of me but I'm willing, ready and EXCITED to begin my journey.

My pre-op class is October 28th and I am hoping for a surgery date of November 11th.

I have just completed my first video entry on my YouTube site so please visit there as well.

http://www.youtube.com/user/TheDivineMissT

xoxo

Therese